sonia's website

1/9

I started going to the movies alone. I don't know if it makes me indulge in solitude, but I like doing something for myself. I <3 the movies, and I don't necessarily want to go with anyone. Outside of Daniel (who is at work) and Bea (who is also at work), I don't know who I would take. I have become a lone wolf, but I like to romanticize it. I wish to try and grow in my solitude, but it becomes hard as I am stuck with myself and quickly fall into dispair. I think it is because I have no one to impress.

My program is killing me, I fear that I am being drained of my soul. I can't care about myself right now, not because I don't want to but because I don't have time. I am also scared of the people in my program,, so I must force myself to be a blank as to not draw attention to myself. I have been struggling to do the most basic things fow myself. I don't know if I'm depressed or something, but I try to do the "right" things about it. I started seeing a therapist, but I think he is trying to get rid of me. Even though he said "Not that I'm trying to get rid of you," but that's what put the idea in my head.

2/9

*REDACTED*

3/9

Sometimes I wish I could have more of a social media presence. I'm too conscious of my audience – even now as I write this I'm thinking of who will read it even though only about 3 people know about this site's existence and I doubt any of them will even read this.

On one hand it doesn't matter and I should do and say what I want, wherever I want, but on the other hand why do I feel the need to do so on a platform catered for others viewing it. Social media in itself is meant to be exactly that – social. Why say it online if it is not for others to react to it. I guess that's why I built this site, to have it be personal but accessible to select few. No matter what I do with social media, I'm falling into some form of expectation and societal pressure. This is the reason I will never become like those I praise online. Everything public feels inevitably performative, there is no casualty in it. I can't have a big online presence because once people can see it, it's no longer going into a void. People can form thoughts and opinions on what I say or look like without knowing me personally. All that said, I don't have this outlook towards those who chose to have a public online presence. I love seeing what others post but can't see this outlook mirrored towards myself.

My new idea is to have a section called "things I would tweet if I was confident enough to use twitter". I think I will just call it "unsent tweets".

4/9

I have been thinking about my future lately... I don't know what to do with my life!! I heavily considered going into optometry today after a visit to the office with my sister. I just really like all the tech they use, but I might feel like a fraud having good vision in the field, won't be able to relate to my patients :p Does Dr.Sharapova have a ring to it?
I do love computer science, but I am struggling in finding a niche to which I can apply it to. The infinite range of possibilities in programming is both its blessing and curse. For now, I will continue to build my skills and see what to do with them when the time comes. Interests:
Computer science, Artificial intelligence, Movies, Fashion, Music, ML, HPC, etc.

Career options:
Make a product, start a business, optimization, HPC, Design, help with existing projects in which I believe in... I'll need to brainstorm some more

It could also be interesting to become a hacker or something along those lines. Cyber-security is so important nowadays but also feels nonsensical given how public all of my personal information is.

At the end of the day, I just want to be interested and proud of what I do and contribute to (and hopefully sustain myself through it).

5/9

Humans have evolved tooo far. Why must we need emotional pain, and why is it just as hurtful as physical pain.
I am so far up Maslows hierarchy of needs that I make up problems in my life to sulk over. I have EVERYTHING and yet I still find reasons to be miserable. What is wrong with me??

Shortly after I wrote this I found this YouTube video: video. Found some interesting quotes:
"one of the most widely ramifying features of modernity is the intense focus on the value and power of the individual self. To turn away from the search of an objective external order and to instead turn inward and become aware of our own activity"

"modernity has disrupted the social bonds that have always characterized the human experience. It breeds comfort, allowing people to act selfishly. This shows an increase of mental illness in modern society's deep lack of a sense of community which the tribe had historically provided us."

6/9

Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of stuff in the world. Thinking about the quantity of meaningless items makes me ill. I wish I wasn't such a material girl, but I am trying my best to change. Overconsumption and consumerism is so ingrained within moi aussi >_<

I do find myself guilty of partaking in retail therapy. Personally, when I cannot fix some internal conflicts, I try to change something externally. Shopping offers a quick and easy solution to resolve the monotony I feel within myself, and I have not yet found a good replacement for this. I just love the video store so much!

7/9

Fast Fashion + Trend Cycles

On the topic of overconsumption, clothing and accessories are so accessible now that trend cycles move way too fast and people struggle with using their style to stand out. Trend cycles used to be ~every 10 years, but with the huge desire for individuality, these cycles seem to have a shorter and shorter cycle length. Tell me why I am seeing 2016 throwbacks when 2022 just started. I think that people are so aware of "trend cycles" that instead of allowing them to happen naturally, people try to "predict" the new trends by following previous patterns.

This doesn't seem to work in modern times as I rarely see any new and original additions to these past styles, and instead see people trying to replicate them. Of course this is also fun in its own way, but there is not much originality in it.

(note: this is all written with respect to small subsets of the population, mostly people ages 14-30 who are on the internet and partake in trends in some sort of way, not the general masses)

8/9

I am such a bad texter I just cant do it. With most things in life my mind takes the approach of "out of sign out of mind", but this thought process makes it very hard for me to stay in touch with people when we are apart. I also have conversations with people in my head and forget whether they were real or not. I am always telling people things in my brain, and it clashes with my reality. This happens in my weird sleep paralysis dreams as well. Makes living very surreal at times.

9/9

Spent a good chunk of time today on the web archive of the CollegeHumor website from 2008-2013. Isn’t as funny as I remember but interesting to look back on. Comedy in the early ages of the internet was so autistic — lots of facebook roasts, selfie mockings (+ general woman humour), photo reactions, and lady gaga jokes (forgot how widespread poker face parodies were).
Highlights: college girl of the week reels.

WayBackMachine link

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